Sex 101: Breaking Up with Your Relationship Pattern
About the Series: Sex 101
With cuffing season just around the corner and Libra and Scorpio seasons in full swing, romance is in the air. Along with that, though, come rigid sexual norms, too many atrocious Tinder dates, and having to deal with our exes (and exes of exes, and so on). Are these just the things that we, as young people still understanding our own sexualities, have to go through?
Here at Camp Thirlby, we don’t think anyone should be denied the education and experiences that encompass their sexual and romantic lives across (and outside of) the gender spectrum. However, that usually isn’t the case for many of us, whether that means having to seek out alternative forms of sex and dating information for queer folks or using our own lived experiences in a religious upbringing to process our knowledge and feelings towards sexuality years later. That’s where “Sex 101” comes in — a series that highlights the educations and experiences — no matter how unconventional — of our Camp Counselors that have something to say about how they navigated, learned, and unlearned certain sex and dating norms.
I found myself on my bedroom floor one night, crying over another failed relationship. This involved the simultaneous action of shoving too much guac & chips down my esophagus while heavy sobs fell out of my mouth.
Guac and chips, my staple heartbreak snack.
I was playing a game of russian roulette with how many chips it would take to choke to death. I had a strange feeling of deja vu, like I had been in this exact position before. Maybe not particularly on my bedroom floor, suctioning up chips like a vacuum, but something close. A similar feeling. A similar situation. Maybe even a similar pattern. It felt like the only person to put blame on was myself. I was doing this. Was I the cause of my romantic trauma?
Did I just come face to face with my relationship pattern? A cycle of my own behaviors and actions that influence how I treat people and myself. Relationship pattern: repeating the same (destructive) behaviors over and over again, involving different types of people.
We all have one, whether we admit it or not. We start to create it during our first romantic interaction, which builds onward into other future interactions — platonically or intimately. We start to form a habit that begins to weave itself into our behaviors — toward ourselves and others. It starts with past experiences that shapes the way we perceive certain things. My parents are the perfect example of a healthy, loving relationship. A committed one, at that. They never do extravagant things for each other, and I think that’s why their relationship works so well. It’s the small things they do that proves their devotion. Many of my childhood memories consist of me and my sister watching my parents perform their public displays of affection. My sister’s response were always something along the lines of, “Gross! Not at the dinner table.” My response was the complete opposite. I was happy to see them in that form because I typically wasn’t exposed to that. Not in people we passed on the street or in my friend’s parents. If my dad wanted to grab my mom’s butt, with consent, in the middle of the grocery store, I was the first to support it.
But my parent’s relationship was never easy. It seemed like a long, tiring journey that needed maximal effort from both parties, yet they never gave up. So I used their story as my own and I believed that mine needed to be identical. I needed to find someone who I could give my all to. I thought that I could create my own fairytale using my parent’s uniquely crafted fairytale as an outline. This plan’s flaw was that their relationship was designed for them and not for me. I found myself failing to replicate their love because it was never mine in the first place. Cue my own relationship patterns.
We start to use our past experiences as tools to finalize our own perceptions of things. These build our “thinking habits,” or unconscious thoughts that determine how we act and speak. I saw my parents sacrifice everything to be together, therefore I believed I had to do the same in my intimate relationships. I entered long-term relationships that turned into long distance where I sacrificed my time and feelings. I had the horrible mindset that it didn’t matter if multiple partners couldn’t meet me in the middle. I would still spend my full energy on them — my parents did that and they’re happy, wouldn’t I be the same?
I put my full self into each relationship, which resulted in multiple identity crises every time the relationship ended, as, again, my partners could never meet me in the middle. The eternal feeling of loneliness dwelled on me; I was scared to be in a room with myself. I would look at myself in the mirror and realize I had nothing in common with the woman looking back. The woman who spent years making someone else happy completely forgot about her own happiness. And that has been my struggle ever since— a lovely struggle at that. Reversing this pattern has been the hardest yet most charming decision. It is not simple, but nothing valuable ever seems to be.
Firstly, I had to recognize my pattern. I created lists, spreadsheets, and charts. I spent sleepless nights reading up on my birth chart, took personality quizzes and I even went to a tarot card witch, where far more than my relationship pattern was revealed. I wasn’t going to keep making the same mistakes and spend the rest of my life performing for the same type of audience. And then one day, I met someone who was perfect. They were perfect enough to fit into that imperfect relationship pattern of mine. So by the end of the first date, they walked me to my car, we hugged, planned another time to meet up, and I never saw them again. While I wouldn’t call this date successful, it did inspire me to go home and successfully decipher my complex relationship cycle alongside a bottle of cabernet. Here is what I came up with:
I find person. Person and I go on first date. First date rapidly turns into multiple dates. Multiple dates turns into sleepovers. Sleepovers turn into commitment. Commitment turns into dependency. Dependency turns two lives into one life — two whole people become one whole person. The fusion of two lives turns into compromise on everything. Compromise leads to loss of self. Loss of self leads to more dependency. Dependency leads to unhealthy habits. Unhealthy habits manifest in the relationship. Relationship ends. Sometimes leaving one person a little more in pain than the other.
Secondly, I released the suppressed emotions I felt by those past traumas and past lovers. I learned how those emotions manifested and let them go, whether through journaling my thoughts, working on my breathing, or giving myself a “self-love” talk in the bathroom mirror (also known as the mirror technique). I found what triggered the toxic thoughts then I acknowledged them, and asked them, assertively, to leave this body because there wasn’t room for both of us.
Lastly, I rewired my behaviors. This an evolving step to breaking any pattern or bad habit, regardless if it’s romantic or not. I consciously practice this every morning when my eyes open. There are still some days where it’s a little harder than the day before and that’s okay, too. We’re trying. And that’s already the best accomplishment. I generated new habits that weren’t so destructive to my well-being. I taught myself better communication skills, a different outlook on relationships, and more self-respect. Because I don’t have to give up my time, my passion, my life, or myself to make my partner happy. Fuck that. I’m done with compromise. Compromise is not a synonym of love. Compromise is defined as accepting standards that are lower than what is desired.
Now, compromise is not a vow I make to lovers nor ask for that in return. My life is not the same life my parents had. I’m involved in a different generation where more people meet online than in person. The way I meet potential partners is through an algorithm that I can’t even comprehend. Plus, my aspirations in life have become a vital part of my existence, therefore, relationships have become a want, not a need. I stopped looking for a fairytale that I grew up wishing I had or what us, women, are taught to think we want. I started
questioning how I love others and learning about how to put that love back into myself. Self love will ultimately help me learn to love my future partners in a healthier manner.
It’s possible to see love as a beautiful privilege. Our relationship pattern is a method that can help us grow deeper into our own psyche. It can teach us about what we need to control and what happens with ourselves when we surrender to our lack of control. The only step that needs to happen is to sit down with your relationship pattern and confront that demon. Ask it questions. Listen to it tell you its story without judgement. Agree with it. Disagree with it. Go ahead and love it because it is a part of your identity. Then develop it. Modify it to be healthy for you and future intimate partners. You don’t deserve less. Love is an essence in all of us, so when we tap into this essence, we can create an abundance of it and send that out to the rest of the world. And that is the most divine thing that we can do.
About the Author
Mar Christiano (she/her) is a recent graduate that prides herself of being a professional pouter and emotional painter alongside being a full time yoga instructor. She is a passionate human who finds herself attracted to topics / interests involving art design, sex & love, and mental health awareness. She spends most of her days meditating, painting or scrolling on pitchfork for the newest album review. Also can find her at your local art store deciding between twenty different shades of blue. She is constantly attempting to meet like-minded people that she can be inspired by and collaborate with. You can find her on Instagram @mysoulsart to see juicy content such as her recent artwork and a plethora of moon pictures.
