Deconstructing the Dynamics of Savior Syndrome
Savior Syndrome: a psychological phenomenon in which a person feels the need to save others, particularly from situations outside of their control. Symptoms include delusions of grandeur, controlling behavior, and actively seeking out relationships with people exhibiting perceived weakness. Unfortunately, there is no cure (yet), but self-awareness and therapy can prove effective in treatment.
I used to want to live in a fairytale. I believed that my prince charming was somewhere out there. That one day he’d show up on a white horse, waving a sword and slaying my dragons. Dreamy music would play as we rode off into the sunset, my hospital gown transforming into a sparkly ballgown. I’d live happily ever after . . .
I met Prince Charming in high school just as my world was turning upside down. It seemed like fate, a shining light in the darkness, something out of a movie. In the end, though, it turned out he wasn’t charming, but rather an entitled tool. He swooped in driving a silver jeep, carrying a blunt, and slaying “sick beats.” But he did treat me like a princess. I was his number one priority, always. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for me. I thought it was love, and it might have been, but looking back, I think it was more obsession.
While I was the one with a rare disease, it turned out he was also sick. He had a severe case of Savior Syndrome. He believed that his love was stronger than medicine, that he could fix me and erase all of my trauma. But even more delusional than his belief is that, at one point, that’s exactly what I wanted.
You see, it’s far too easy to vilify sufferers of Savior Syndrome, but that completely invalidates and ignores the factors contributing to this phenomenon in the first place. For example, what made me believe that I not only wanted, but actually needed, a savior? What taught him that the only way to show love is through fixing, which ended up looking more like fixation?
I was incredibly lucky to grow up in a strong, feminist household. My mom didn’t even let me watch Disney princess movies as a child because of their toxic messages, yet somehow I still ended up struggling with these problematic beliefs.
The more I analyze the situation, the more I realize I never really wanted a savior, I wanted the validation that comes with having a savior. I knew that I was fully capable of being my own hero — hell, I had done it many times before! But no one seemed to take me seriously. People still pitied me. I was taught it would take an enormous sacrifice to love me and I started to believe it, so that is what I sought out.
Like me, my ex also felt insecure and out of control, but while I internalized it, he projected it. He thought if he couldn’t fix himself, at least he could be there for someone else. But here’s what he didn’t realize at the time: in saving me, he was hoping to save himself, but as we all know, that never works.
Prince Charming left for college while I was still home finishing up high school and, like most long distance relationships, ours ended poorly with him cheating on me. College presented him with new challenges, making him crave validation from my neediness even more. However, with him leaving I began gaining confidence and realized I didn’t actually need him as much as I thought. As a result, he wasn’t able to find fulfillment in being my hero anymore, so he sought out another princess to rescue. No, I’m not scorned or bitter. I genuinely hold no animosity towards him. In fact, I’m grateful. He taught me the fairytale life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
I may have broken the spell cast by Savior Syndrome, but that hasn’t stopped other cursed princes from trying to drag me back. The greatest defense in my arsenal? Having a strong sense of self worth and not allowing others’ opinions to cloud my own feelings. Who cares if no one else sees it? At least I know that I’m perfectly capable of handling my own shit and I don’t need validation to prove it.
As the only rational Disney character, Megara from Hercules, says, “I’m a damsel. I’m in distress. I can handle this.”
About the Author
Shira Strongin (she/her) is a third year student at the George Washington University majoring in Political Communications with a minor in Human Services and Social Justice. Originally from Southern California, Strongin is an award winning advocate and writer who took her personal experience living with rare diseases and founded Sick Chicks, a 501(c)3 non-profit dedicated to uniting and empowering women with varying illnesses and disabilities. In her free time Shira can be found driving all the way to Charlottesville for concerts, putting too much sriracha on food, and crying over fictional characters.
