Sex 101: There Will Be Blood (And That’s Okay): Destigmatizing Period Sex
Sex 101: About the Series
With cuffing season just around the corner and Libra and Scorpio seasons in full swing, romance is in the air. Along with that, though, come rigid sexual norms, too many atrocious Tinder dates, and having to deal with our exes (and exes of exes, and so on). Are these just the things that we, as young people still understanding our own sexualities, have to go through?
Here at Camp Thirlby, we don’t think anyone should be denied the education and experiences that encompass their sexual and romantic lives across (and outside of) the gender spectrum. However, that usually isn’t the case for many of us, whether that means having to seek out alternative forms of sex and dating information for queer folks or using our own lived experiences in a religious upbringing to process our knowledge and feelings towards sexuality years later. That’s where “Sex 101” comes in — a series that highlights the educations and experiences — no matter how unconventional — of our Camp Counselors that have something to say about how they navigated, learned, and unlearned certain sex and dating norms.
Got a vagina that bleeds every month? Still wanna get it on? Let’s talk.
You know shit’s bad when you’ve got a million other ways to say period than “period.” Cultural perceptions of “that time of the month” are a huge, ugly, shame-inducing monster (think: Shame Wizard of Netflix’s Big Mouth). Misconceptions, misrepresentations, and mystery about menstruation stem from passed-down internalized stigma, lack of comprehensive sex ed, marketing of menstrual products, religious doctrinal influence, invisibility through inaccessibility, and tons (tons!) of other influences. Consciously and unconsciously, periods have been constructed as "hygienic crises", disgusting problems to hide from polite society. Periods are a vital process in human reproduction that happen to the majority of humans in existence. And yet, discretion and protection are mandatory — no one should know you’re experiencing that totally normal thing that literally billions of people have! Despite being called the Red Plague, the Scarlet Letter of modern times, Shark Week, the Dirty Rag, or any other dramatic, sensationalized euphemism, periods remain invisible.
Periods are stigmatized enough, but period sex is another animal — a concept incomprehensible or even unknown to huge swaths of the population. When society has created a painful stigma around periods (and when periods can also be physically and emotionally painful), why would anyone think about period sex? Because it’s fun, safe, hot, healthy, and normal!
Parting the Red Sea
Period sex is considered “gross,” with some people believing it is unhygienic, and others just finding it nasty. Maybe it’s the blood (or maybe it’s the vulva!), but the idea of sexuality existing simultaneously with menstruation is, for lots of people, unthinkable.
And to some extent, it’s reasonable! People often worry about the logistics of period sex — that it’s too messy or inconvenient (which is false, but we’ll get into that later). Or maybe folks just assume that when someone is on their period, that they would be too much in pain or too ~emotional~ to have fun, ‘normal’ sex.
So welcome to my Ted Talk: Period Sex is Dope, Here’s How to Have It.
Why Is Period Sex So Good?
Setting logistics aside for a second, period sex has multiple benefits. For instance, there is research and anecdotal evidence that orgasms or sexual arousal during your period can alleviate cramps or other symptoms. Maybe you’d prefer an orgasm to Midol?
Plus, there’s something cool about intimacy with a partner or partners that’s real and un-performative — it’s normal to feel shame about your period, and letting someone in to that part of your bodily existence can be empowering and bring you closer to them.
Period sex is also often only a hetero conversation — queer folks might assume that non-penetrative, vulva-specific activity is off the table. Within the stigma of periods, the stigma of sex, and the stigma of queer sex, queer period sex is the hidden gem of sorts no one talks about but everyone should. But us gays can have bloody sex too! Try not to let fear and lack of conversation take us away from a good period fuck.
Getting Down to Business
As I’ve mentioned, the number one concern about period sex is often literally how to do it. The classic dilemma: “How do we have a good, sexy time without my bedroom looking like a crime scene?”
First of all, let’s stop equating period blood to murder. This blood — though similar in that it is, well, blood — isn’t scary at all. We see blood in movies, video games, TV, and art all the time, so why is real blood that naturally comes from our bodies something that makes us squirm? So step 1: try to rethink why prominently visible blood is uncomfortable, and work on manually correcting those assumptions and fears that your brain (or your partner’s) jumps to.
It is true that period sex can be messy — that’s not a weird thought to have, but there some simple solutions. Below, we’ll go through some of the different types of period sex and how to make them work.
If you’re looking to have penetrative (vaginal) sex, there are a few things to keep in mind.
If you’re worried about making a mess on your bed/couch/surface, put a towel down that you don’t mind getting potentially stained. You can also feel free to not put a towel down and just be prepared to wash your sheets. But another option is to make one towel your ~period sex towel~ (think: cum rag, but bloody) that you always use when you’re bleeding (but be sure to wash it appropriately — crusty, bloody towels are no fun).
Additionally, the perception that period sex creates some giant pool of blood around you is mostly a myth. Often, you might not even get blood on the sheets at all, so don’t stress too much about a horror-movie bloody-sheets scenario.
If you use condoms, be aware you might see a little blood on the condom when the condom-wearer removes the penis (or other penetrative toy) from the vagina. This is normal, and doesn’t have to be gross! If you or your partner doesn't want to touch the bloody condom, grab a tissue and remove it (picking-up-dog-poop style) with the tissue as a barrier. Try not to let the idea of the sight of blood deter you from protection — remember, you can still get pregnant and transmit STIs on your period.
If you don’t use condoms, again, be prepared for some blood. Depending on the amount, feel free to either use a tissue or unscented baby wipe to wipe off the penis/toy, or quickly rinse off the blood with warm water and, if necessary, soap. You could even make shower sex part two of the experience — have fun washing off and getting down! Shower sex can also be a great part one, as blood is a natural lubricant, eliminating the need for ineffective, messy, and inconvenient shower lube.
Oral sex on someone with a vulva and periods are both highly stigmatized in American society, so oral period sex seems like the perfect storm. Here’s how to approach period oral if it sounds scary, exciting, or a mix of them both.
A great way to have period fun is oral sex — definitely more intimidating for some folks because of the potential mouth-to-blood contact, but this
1) could be more enjoyable for the person menstruating,
2) is a way for queer folks to have period sex, too, and
3) as mentioned, orgasms can potentially decrease the pain of a period.
Why are we so scared of period oral? Many folks feel that eating period blood is gross or unsanitary. While there may be an increased risk of STI or other bloodborne disease transmission during menstruation, there aren’t any hygienic reasons to abstain. However, it’s important to remember to get tested and encourage your partner/partners to do so as well, especially considering this increased risk. But really, going down on someone who has their period doesn’t make you a vampire — just a reciprocal lover!
If all of this sounds intimidating, not your style, or unappealing (which is okay too!), here are some other ~sexy~ options.
External clitoral stimulation (fingers)
Internal vaginal stimulation (fingering)
External/internal stimulation with toys (vibrators, dildos, etc)
Anal play (if you use tampons/a menstrual cup, this allows for sex without even involving a vagina — feel free to leave it in if that makes you more comfortable)
Hardcore makeout session
Over the pants touching
All in all, period sex can be scary, and it’s not your fault if you’ve been grossed-out by the idea of period sex (as the recipient or their partner). But I think we can acknowledge that a lot of the fear about periods has been constructed in order to subordinate all those but cisgender men (remember, trans folks get periods too). Let’s dismantle period sex as a Scary and Gross Thing and start seeing it for what it really is — normal, healthy fucking.
For more guidance on the logistics of period sex, check out this helpful guide from the makers of Clue, the period tracking app. Stay safe and have fun!
About the Author
Elena Phethean (she/her) is a junior from Pleasantville, NY studying Women’s, Gender & Sexuality Studies and Community Health at Tufts University. There, she is the co-coordinator of Tufts Sex Health Reps, a student group bringing comprehensive and inclusive sexuality education and sexual assault prevention to campus. She also loves music and sings with her a cappella group, the Tufts Jackson Jills. As a queer woman, she is especially passionate about women’s/gender minority health and queer sexual health outcomes, as well as working with survivors.
