The Scale: A Poem
I wrote this for every version of myself that exists on the scale. I’m trying to tell them I’m sorry for getting angry at their impermanence. I’m trying to thank them for not backing down.
This is to say that I often find being not-straight confusing, and that language has freed me from that confusion in many ways and confined me in many others. This is also to say that there are moments, however brief, in which I feel like I’ve finally come home to the truth (who has, of course, been waiting with a smile the whole time).
This is about confusion, fear, and frustration. It’s about love. Acceptance. Love.
This is an homage to anyone who has ever questioned their sexuality. This is a love letter to people who feel like they could call themselves one word today and another word tomorrow. I want those people to know that their confusion doesn’t make it any less real. This is an ode to people who don’t know the answers but love to not know them, who sit in their fluidity with pride. I want those people to feel me celebrate them. This is a rambunctious cheer for anyone who’s got it figured out — who’s got their word and it’s stayed true from the start.
What I’m trying to say is: this is for everyone.
Zero. Also known as: Exclusively heterosexual. Also known as: I’m trying to get free drinks at this overpriced bar right now.
It’s just that the drinks are really expensive here. Or maybe it’s that I’m a Leo, and I, therefore, love every second of attention I can get.
Actually, it might just be that Benjamin was cute. He didn’t ask for my phone number — I asked if I could give him mine. Sure, it’s nice to feel wanted but it’s also nice when he smiles at me, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see it again.
Zero. Also known as: middle school. Also known as: the time in my life in which I said things like “I don’t want to see people being gay, but I support them!”
One. Also known as: Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual. Also known as: I am team Edward and that’s mostly because I do not let myself think about kissing any of the beautiful vampire women in The Twilight series — even though I want to.
But that’s just because they’re described as impossibly beautiful, right? I mean we all thought about it for a second, right? ... Right ladies?
One. Also known as: my very cute guy friends and I casually agree about how beautiful a random woman is, and no one notices my cheeks flush at the admittance.
Two. Also known as: Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual. Also known as: I started “accidentally” reading young adult novels about lesbians, by which I mean I searched the internet for hours reading lists about which lesbian books were the best.
Two. Also known as: the time my mom asked me if I liked girls and I couldn’t sleep all night because I was so worried my “no” was a lie.
Two. Also known as: I’ve entered high school, discovered Twitter, and learned that there’s tons of people who aren’t straight and are really okay with that! They talk about it like it’s normal, because it is normal, but no one had ever told me that. I befriend a girl who lives in Canada and we FaceTime every day. She’s beautiful and sings like an angel and plays “Blackbird” by The Beatles for me over the phone. I allow myself to admit that I have a crush on her. I hold this warm piece of information close to my heart.
Yes, we still follow each other. Even after all these years.
Three. Also known as: Equally heterosexual and homosexual. Also known as: one week I went on the same amount of dates with girls as I did with guys, which I guess is as close to being perfectly even as anyone ever is?
When I came out as bisexual to everyone in high school, I can only imagine this is what they thought I meant. Now wouldn’t that be nice. Hetero- and homosexuality passing me off to one another like still-friendly divorced parents, never messing up the schedule we all decided on together when the split first happened.
Four. Also known as: Predominantly homosexual but more than incidentally heterosexual. Also known as: my tinder settings are set to match me with everyone besides men, but I still say yes when a guy flirts with me just right.
I’ve been on dates with more women than men, yet I can’t bring myself to approach women without explicit knowledge that they’re not straight. This means I never approach women. “Not approaching women” is a technique that many men do not understand.
Four. Also known as: Nick. My on again off again situation for two full years now. He is intelligent and handsome and hilarious. There has never been bad blood, only mutual admiration and romantic spotify playlists. It feels like we’ve known each other in every life we’ve lived — yet every time we reach the tip of dating, I back out, suddenly convinced I’m a lesbian. Maybe this says more about my commitment issues than my sexuality. Maybe not.
Either way, we’re getting dinner on Friday — he picked the restaurant this time.
Five. Also Known as: Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual. Also known as: Me on a Wednesday, or a Tuesday, or a Saturday for that matter.
Assuming this is an off time with Nick, of course, I’ve settled on this as my sexuality’s general resting place. As if that means anything at all to anyone — myself included.
Six. Also known as: Entirely homosexual. Also known as: I left bottomless brunch to cry in the bathroom because I realized (for what, the fifth time?) that I was lesbian.
It’s not that being a lesbian would make me sad — clearly I’m not so far from it to begin with. It’s that I don’t know one way or the other what to call myself. It’s that this not knowing freaks me out. It’s that I feel like I owe the knowing to someone — maybe everyone I came out to in high school? My mother? Myself?
But of course, of course, of course — the objective truth is that it doesn’t matter. What matters is that high school me needed a label to feel like her fullest self. Sometimes those labels stick forever, and sometimes they don’t. I’ve decided to stop worrying either way.
All that matters now is that I can love and be loved in return. Where’s the scale for that?
About the Author
Jenna Campolieto (she/her) has a lot to say about everything. She wants to be as full as life as possible at all times and hopes that she can make others feel full of life, too.
