Are You The One’s Kai Can’t Handle Emotional Responsibility, But We Kind of Get Why
Show still ℅ MTV
If you’ve kept up with MTV’s latest sexually fluid season of Are You The One, then you’re already familiar with the transmasculine nonbinary heartthrob that is Kai West. If not (seriously, hurry up), let me quickly fill you in.
The premise of the show is that 16 singles enter the house looking to find the one person who they’re most compatible with (based upon psychological tests and questionnaires), also known as their “perfect match.” Upon entering the house, looking to find their potential match and win one million dollars, Kai came in seemingly shy and unsure of himself. But fast forward a few weeks, and Kai has become both the star of the season and the center of endless drama. To give you a few examples: he became the first person on the show’s history to sleep with someone on the first night, where he slept with not one, but two people. He continued a toxic relationship with his confirmed no match, Jenna, that got in the way of other castmates’ connecting with them. He participated in a steamy fivesome with (guess who!!) said no match. That’s not even the whole story, and the season still isn’t over. So much for shy.
My attraction towards Kai was almost immediate. I was drawn to his flirtatious smile and charming demeanour. I respected how open he was about his trans and nonbinary experience and how he managed to find ways to connect with so many people almost effortlessly. He is wildly emotional and the definition of messy, but also clearly a genuine and supportive person.
So whenever I open the AYTO hashtag, it bothers me that so many people send hate without taking into consideration what Kai’s experience on Are You The One could feel like.
Clearly, Kai loves the attention that he receives from his castmates. Attention can be addictive, and to be so sought after must have been a good feeling. The problem with Kai having so many relationships with other castmates isn’t the quantity of relationships, but the lack of emotional responsibility he takes in them.
Show still ℅ MTV
Instead of being honest with the people he’s involved with about how he feels about them, Kai would rather say anything it takes to keep them around. He continuously tells person after person that they are his number one choice, just to turn around and tell someone else the same thing. First it was Jenna, then with another castmate Jasmine, and then again with Nour. When one relationship comes crashing down, he immediately seeks out another that will make him feel better, not taking into consideration how his past lover might feel. In the most recent episode, after watching his love triangle with Jasmine and Nour implode, he decides that that is the best moment to tell Jenna that he is in love with her. Kai is just desperate to keep any of these relationships afloat in order to receive the attention he craves, and he’s willing to do or say anything to do so. Although it’s incredibly insensitive, it’s something I wish more people would take the time to understand.
I remember the first time I was able to pick up on people paying attention to me. I was a freshman in high school, completely unaware of how my life was going to change. Boys started to look at me differently. I was receiving more attention than I had ever been given, and more than my 14-year-old brain was ready to comprehend. I felt like I was on top of the world and was intoxicated with the knowledge that I was desirable. I loved waking up to messages from multiple people, and always having someone to talk to. I revelled in their attention without paying any mind to the fact that their feelings were involved in our relationships, too. I think I knew that, but it wasn’t something I actively thought about. In the moment, I could only think about how good it felt to be wanted.
Eventually, it all came crashing down. And on the way down, like Kai, I did some things I’m not proud of. I lied to protect myself. I tried to say it wasn’t really my fault because we were never in a relationship. But at the end of the day, I was wrong and I knew that. It was my job to be honest with them, and I hadn't because I too afraid of losing their attention. In the end, it wasn’t worth the mess it caused. It was a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary one.
Being emotionally responsible, especially when you aren’t in a committed relationship with someone, is a difficult thing to face. It means reflecting on your behavior and taking actions to ensure that both people feel secure in what you’re doing. There’s a lot of communication required and boundaries to set up. You have to be prepared to take that other person’s feelings into account, regardless of how much you want to just do what you want. Sometimes, that can be hard. Sometimes, you have no desire to do the emotional labor—you just want to have a good time. But if you want to have a mature adult relationship, it’s a necessary step to take.
Kai hasn’t taken those steps yet on the show. Last week, when being confronted about how his behavior caused damage to so many people in the house, he didn’t seem ready to take responsibility for himself, and instead made himself the victim of the conversation. But if he wants to win the money, and come out of this house with his perfect match, like all of the show’s fans, he’s going to have to suck up his pride and acknowledge his wrongdoings. I have faith that he will, hopefully in tonight’s episode. Like anyone, we’re all bound to make mistakes; we just don’t have millions of people watching every week.
So to everyone giving Kai a hard time: give him a break. No one is perfect, and we need to give him the opportunity to show us that he can change.
As for you, Kai, don’t worry—I’m still rooting for your redemption arc.
About the Author
Iyana Jones is starting her graduate program in Media Studies with New School. She found her passion for writing in high school for writing for the school paper and now has expanded her interests to lifestyle, pop culture, and identity. Her goal is to write as the missing first generational black female voice she wish she had found earlier in life. Outside of writing, she's likely to be found feeding stray cats or watching bad MTV shows unironically. You can read more of her work on her blog here.
