Be My Friend Pls: Shooting Your Friendship Shot with Internet Friendships
Alright, how do I phrase this without sounding like I’m asking her to join a pyramid scheme?
“Hey, sorry this is random but i think you’re so cool and I’d love to hangout sometime andwecouldtalkonthephoneandyoucancomeovertowatchmoviesandi’dltellyoumyinsecuritiesandyou’dtellmeyoursandwe’llcomforteachotherandsendmemes. Text me! XXX-XXX-XXXX”
They say that what you see online isn’t a true representation of what peoples’ lives are really like, and yet when I see a stranger post a fancy cup of coffee on their Instagram feed, all I want to do is ask them to get coffee with ME. Where did this desire come from? I guess it isn’t that surprising that more friendships are being initiated online, given how common it is that romantic relationships start there too (more than ⅓ of American couples say they met online, according to a study published this year).
This phenomenon isn’t new, of course. It seems that online communities, such as email chains and discussion groups in the 90s, and later social media platforms like Twitter and Instagram today, cropped up as soon as the internet became a household presence. When the internet first came to be, many people acted as passive users, but as the world wide web got wider, people went from being just users to content creators (in some form or another). This shift, according to a study published in 2011, signified the point where communities and subcultures really began to grow. When socializing and creativity joined forces on the internet, they changed the methods we use to connect with others.
Content can take any form, popularly in the form of memes. Memes can act as social glue, bonding people together with shared jokes and allowing everyone the chance to build on each others’ content. Another study, published in 1996 (whew, that was a while ago) talks about how people define a developed or deep connection. The characteristics are breadth and depth of conversation, interdependence, commitment, predictability/understanding, code change (ie. using shared jargon, idiom or references), and network convergence. Online relationships score highly and comparably to real life relationships in all but the last two categories. Does that mean real IRL relationships are superior to online ones? This paper was published over 20 years ago, so I would argue against that idea — data collected today might show an increase in those last two categories as well.
It’s not that I feel unfulfilled with my own IRL friendships (you’re all great), or feel that I’m lacking in friends (I’m thankful to have so many wonderful people in my life), but after multiple self help podcasts and some self reflection, I’ve molded the need to compare myself to everyone online into an intense desire to befriend everyone ever. The internet has provided remote access to niche and specific communities, and so online friendships fulfill roles that IRL friendships may not.
If I had to venture a guess, I would say that I have 10 to 15 friendships that started online and will likely always be online. They’re a group of widely talented and diverse people that I’ve interacted with under a viral tweet, a friend of a friend of a friend who I ended up following on some platform, or someone who makes and posts cool art. The two things that they all have in common is that they live far away from me, and I’m completely in love with them and all that they do.
I also have a handful of friendships that may or may not have been sparked by online interactions, but are 100% maintained by social media and the like. I know people joke around, claiming their love language “is memes” but the truth is, sending someone something to make them smile or brighten their day should be a new love language. It’s absolutely the basis of many of my closest friendships, a way to stay connected even if we’re timezones apart-- like in Texas, or just a kind of far drive, DC to Baltimore! The internet has some cold corners and sharp edges, but it’s got a couple warm and fuzzy spots, too. I love internet friendships because it means that I have access to the people that are closest to me at all times. We can be thinking of each other at any given moment in a day, and despite being miles (or hundreds of miles) apart, we can connect.
I’m a huge proponent of taking the first step. It’s not that messaging people online is easier per se, but it does take some of the pressure off. If they say yes, yay! If not, you delete the message thread and move on. Putting myself “out there” is something that I try to practice in all facets of my life, professionally, aesthetically (and maybe especially) in romantic and platonic relationships. Most of my platonic and romantic endeavors have started out because I made the first move. It doesn’t always work, but I think I’m better off for it. Daniel Johnston sang that “true love will find you in the end” with the caveat that it’ll only find you if you’re looking, and that you’ve got to “step out into the light.”
Note:
All of this to say, if you feel the urge to ask some person off the internet to hang out, do it! (Though, please exercise stranger danger and take practical safety precautions). It’s pretty likely they 1. will say yes, and 2. feel the same way about you. Even if you don’t want to hang out face to face, for any number of reasons, including physical distance or having social anxiety, reaching out to someone with a genuine compliment could be the way to meet your new best friend.
About the Author
Luna Homsi (she/her) is a recent Anthropology graduate from the University of Maryland. She believes the world is made better and brighter when people share their experiences. Her main academic/research interests are in health equity and social justice. Feel free to connect with her on Twitter!
