A Not-So-Simple Guide to Getting Over a Crush
I truly wish I had the answer. I wish I had a step-by-step guide you could print out and complete in under 20 minutes.
Crushes are messy. If you’ve seen Sixteen Candles, you’ll recall Samantha Baker’s dad throwing out the painfully true “that's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call 'em something else” line. (What a blow, I know.)
In an attempt to figure out just what the fuck is going on with us emotionally when it comes to crushes, I think the best way to break it down is to examine its structure. (Disclaimer: I recognize crushes are different for everyone. What I’m trying to do for you here is simply examine the way I view crushes and the patterns I seem to follow.)
So, let’s begin.
First off, I’m going to call attention to the fact that my most potent crushes involve meeting someone new IRL or sharing a unique experience with them. I’m big on shared energy, so when I’m with someone new I know almost instantly my level of comfort and interest. This has its benefits and pitfalls. If I don’t feel a connection, I put my wall up. I refuse to be vulnerable—I become very stubborn—and I generally don’t pursue things further (although, depending on the situation, I do believe in second chances because, while I’m stubborn with opening my heart, I also second guess myself more than I care to admit. Meaning, this usually just develops into a friendship and nothing more, but I digress).
If I do feel a connection then, well, that’s groovy! This means I’m genuinely interested in what you have to say, the way you’re saying what you’re saying, and all I want is to deepen what we have through some obscure connection we share that you haven’t talked about since you were thirteen—that level shit.
Suddenly, I begin to romanticize literally everything. I empathize with my crush. I start to feel as connected to them through their passions, as they are connected to their passions. I AM ATTRACTED TO PASSION. The look in their eyes (you know the one), the way they speak about the fire that lights them... I love it and crave it. Passion makes me passionate. I’ve found I need others’ energy to fuel my own, specifically in creative spaces, and that I love being around people with the same interests as me or those of which are working towards manifesting the things I’ve only dreamt about doing. This shared energy, shared passion, keeps me going. Relatively speaking, this is true for a lot of my friendships, but my crush does it so much better.
Once my crush has entered my life, if we’re talking actual contact, I usually try to make myself present and available in their life (Instagram DM’s are my jam for this). This really stems from me wanting to make sure that they know that I see them and I’m there for them, much like I do with my platonic friendships, just with an extra touch of “charisma.” I’ll also do this thing where I talk about my crush with my friends (thanks for letting me vent, you know who you are). You know those “no one” memes? Here’s an example:
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Seriously, no one:
Me: OOOoooOOOMggggGGG my CruSH diD THE cUTEst thING toDAY Did YOU SEe hER PosT oN INSTagRAM UGH She IS SO cUTEEE
This is me. Digital flirtation is one thing. In-person is another. Eye contact? Not my strong suit. From across the room, yes. Up close, I’m an embarrassment. I find myself being unable to remember what I say until later when I think of a million other things I could’ve said instead, because I do that to myself.
I think about how things would be different in the future with them around, how differently my past would’ve been, if I had met them sooner, and of how the present would be different if these feelings were mutual. Truthfully, this isn’t healthy. I’m really good at daydreaming, but while I find comfort living inside my head, from experience I’ve come to learn that it’s best to live in the present (and please apply that note to other areas of your life, not just lusting after a crush). We all know that timeless line: “If it’s meant to be, it will be.” I try to remind myself that even if things don’t work out right now, perhaps that’s because they’re not supposed to work out right now. Maybe there are other things I have to experience first. Maybe there are other lessons I have to learn first. Maybe they’re not going to be the one I experience things or learn alongside—and that’s okay.
Through the journey of imagination, I usually get so filled with emotion I don’t know what to do; this is why I rarely act on crushes. It’s usually just me, hoping the other will act first or return the subtle gestures I make “in the meantime” and I end up just waiting. This is an insecurity I possess when it comes to anything even remotely intimate in nature.
It’s hard for me to share myself, in any situation, truthfully. When I decide to share and don’t receive the same kind of effort back, I take it very harshly. In these moments, I’ve found the safety and confidence to open myself up to someone, so being denied that same access to another makes me doubt myself, which should never be the case in a safe space. Vulnerability is good and I encourage it, but I also still have a lot of personal work to do when it comes to navigating that department and recognizing wherein vulnerability my strengths lie.
So, then, how the fuck do I get over this crush? The answer? The true, honest answer? The only answer I think I can give? Time. Time is what you need.
After a certain point, I grow bored, or I could’ve scared them off because of my enthusiasm when it comes to finding bonding energies, or I simply get tired of waiting for that mutual gesture to signal to me that it might be sort-of-okay to make a move. Just like with how I navigate my friendships, if I’m not getting care or love back, it’s hard for me to move on. It gets exhausting, lusting over someone that doesn’t lust over you. Another famous line: “If they want you, you’ll know.” I think that’s the hardest part to accept: that they might not actually want me like I want them. And maybe they do, but they’re also clueless when it comes to hints and nudges and winks. Or maybe, they just don’t like me like that. Everything happens as it’s meant to, we just have to give it time.
Eventually, I stop letting myself put so much into it. Like I said, it’s exhausting to continuously dream after someone and look up to someone that doesn’t reciprocate in the same way. I get it; sometimes crushes offer that glimmer of hope, that light through the mist. However, we have to remind ourselves that this is not the reality. If you continuously are making yourself available to them, continuously doing things for them, while they do nothing for you, let it go. It’s one thing to be generous, but you need to be able to recognize when you’re being walked over and taken advantage of. Never, and I repeat, never wait for someone.
Even if there isn’t any sort of “exchange” of energy here, having a crush that doesn’t reciprocate is still taking advantage of your heart and your mind. Open it back up again. There are other things to focus on and worry about. And no, something new probably won’t happen right away, but give it time. Give the energy you were giving to your crush, to yourself. Crush on yourself! You deserve all that love. You deserve that attention. You deserve that good energy. You deserve that passion.
The passion you need is in you. So go get it. Revive it. Light it up and see what it does. One idea I always share with those around me is sometimes we have to go through the bullshit just to know what’s good. This applies to crushes. Sometimes we don’t know what we need until it’s not given to us, until we can recognize it when it’s absent, until we experience the unexpected.
He might not notice you. She might not respond to your message right away. Give it time. Things have a funny way of working themselves out. Just remember to put yourself first and, if they don’t give you the effort you give them, they’re not worth your time.
About the Author
Geordon Wollner (she/her/hers), a curious creative and avid daydreamer, is currently pursuing a degree in Retailing & Consumer Behavior, with a Certificate in Studio Art, at the University of Wisconsin. Both in- and outside of the classroom, Geordon has focused her attention on developing new relationships and experiences with her community in creative environments. She is constantly seeking opportunities to collaborate and thrives off of serendipitous moments.
