A Guide to Navigating Trauma in a New Relationship
Unfortunately, so many of us have experienced traumatic events that affect our romantic lives — specifically, trauma related to former significant others, sexual partners, abuse, or sexual violence. It’s an added layer to the already daunting task of finding love, sex, and everything in the messy middle. Learning how to navigate this complicated history — one you didn’t deserve or ask for — while dating can be extremely overwhelming.
Timing matters. Sometimes after various traumatic events we want to dive into a relationship and feel loved and validated. Other times we want to stay as far away from another human as possible. Any and all responses are appropriate. Healing isn’t linear, and it doesn’t happen on anyone else’s timeline. When you do decide you want to, don’t put too much pressure on the first (or second, or millionth) person to be a perfect match. Even if that person doesn’t end up being the love of your life, it should still be treated as a valuable experience. Walking out onto what feels like a pirate’s plank over a treacherous ocean full of trauma symptoms when becoming close to a new partner takes a willingness to try something new, something good, something that you deserve, making all experiences, no matter how successful, worthy of recognition.
It’s so easy to believe that all apprehension and discomfort with a new partner is solely a result of pre-existing trauma. But every relationship requires work. Even when people haven’t experienced trauma, there are always growing pains within relationships. For me, there was, and sometimes still is, a feeling that I and my trauma are “too much” — so much to the point that it’s suffocating to talk about. But, even if I didn’t need to navigate that, we would still be learning how to support one another through something else. There’s always something. We don’t arrive into the arms of partners with a blank slate, but rather a mess of our lived experiences.
It’s a good idea to make room for trauma in a relationship and give it space. This prevents it from growing into an all too present and smothering third party when you’re out to dinner, meeting their family, or taking off your clothes. This can be done by communicating boundaries. Hopefully, your partner wants to respect and help you through the process (if not, it’s time to skedaddle on out of there). But you can’t expect them to know how to handle each and every effect of trauma on their own. For instance, if you’re uncomfortable with specific conversation topics or words, you should share that. If you’re uncomfortable with certain types of physical touch, let your partner know. They can’t be expected to automatically know how to help you, despite their best intentions. By communicating, you give your partner the necessary tools to make you feel supported. You can choose to elaborate on these boundaries and provide explanations, but there’s never an obligation. A simple “because it’s important to me” is more than enough.
If you’ve found ways to manage trauma symptoms, share them with your partner as you feel comfortable. For instance, if you know that fresh air and moving your body alleviates anxiety, try to have some of the hard conversations on a walk together. When possible, avoid having serious conversations when you’re more likely to feel vulnerable. If you’re disclosing former abuse, don’t do it when you’re pressed for time or in the bedroom.
If you have yet to discover the best methods for managing these symptoms, you can try journaling after you experience negative feelings related to trauma. Looking for patterns and similarities between the pages, you can try to narrow down the things that make you feel overwhelmed. You can tell your significant other, “I’m not sure why, but I seem to find it really hard when [insert circumstance]. I’m trying my best to manage this, but I wanted you to be aware.” By sharing with your partner, it can help you process and feel less alone in the seemingly impossible task of recovering. This can get complicated, however, as trauma symptoms make themselves known at inconvenient times. It’s okay if it's messy.
At times, I look at my current partner in shock that someone could be this nice to me. It’s unfathomable that someone would treat me so well, not only because I’ve had such negative past experiences, but also that he could support me in spite of my trauma. While he does treat me so well, some of that disbelief is rooted in believing that I don’t deserve it. My brain creeps in with negative thoughts whispering, “No one could truly care about you, you’re too damaged.” Sometimes I need to take a step back and ask, “Is he really doing the most or am I just used to the bare minimum?”
Parneet from the podcast Chai Chats, proposes that “trauma is an incident or an experience that forces you to confront your reality and it shakes and disrupts what you believe to be true.” Using this definition, Parneet says that good things can be traumatic because they’re so unfamiliar and differ from what you believed to be true. For me, there was (and still is) an adjustment period of learning how to feel comfortable with a healthy relationship. I have to practice how to be grateful and happy with romantic gestures without subliminally telling myself that I don’t deserve to be treated well. I shouldn’t be comparing my current experience to trauma because that’s not where the bar should be. Instead, I ought to see the ways it aligns with other healthy relationships modeled in my life.
At times when I am taken aback by something so kind or gentle, it makes me sad that I was never treated this way before. The idea that others had the opportunity to do so, but instead chose to inflict trauma, hurts. Mourning the time and experiences lost to trauma is allowed. Similarly, you can celebrate the big and small positives in healthy relationships. It’s wonderful when I feel absolute heart-eyes for my partner. Comfort in the form of hands held together makes me feel at ease and that merits celebration. You deserve it!! It may sound cliché, but we need to be reminded, “You’re worthy of love” more often than we like to admit. (*whispers* and that’s okay!)
Each trauma has its own healing. Oftentimes different traumas even within the same person heal differently. Sometimes being loved feels like the hardest thing of all, but it won’t always be that way. Slowly but surely, and with some practice, it gets easier, and then it eventually gets comfortable. Take time and be gentle with yourself.
I have held the pre-trauma version of myself. I have pulled her close and wrapped her in warmth. I have held the post-trauma version of myself. I’ve held all the versions in-between and all versions I will grow into. I’ll continue to embrace each one like I always have. But this time, there might be one more set of arms where she can rest.
About the Author
Lucy Rowing (she/her) is a third year student studying international affairs, global gender studies, and public health. She loves Instagram doodles and is always on the hunt for a new staple gold necklace. Lucy is passionate about making the world safer for womxn and girls. You can find her listening to womxn led podcasts, chugging a coffee, or planning events on campus.
