Heard It in a Past Life: My Trans Body Inside and Outside Sports
About the Series: Heard It in a Past Life
Our favorite witchy queen Maggie Rogers sings the haunting phrase of “maybe there’s a past life comin’ out inside of me” to close out her most somber song, “Past Life," of her 2019 debut album. Her somewhat pensive tone encapsulates how many of us feel when looking back on our past lives — regret, sorrow, disappointment, even anger. Yet, Maggie is attempting to make amends with her past selves through this song, even through her whole album that carries a similar theme. How can we reconcile with our pasts and bring them into our present selves, or even into our future selves?
At Camp Thirlby, we not only encourage our readers to reflect on their past lives, similar to what Maggie Rogers does in her moving song, but to delve into those experiences headfirst through their own personal memoir. Our series to ring in the new year, “Heard It in a Past Life,” to cite her album title, does just this — it showcases the ways in which our Camp Counselors have reconciled with their origins and past selves, relating to queerness, mental health, and more, to bring into the here and now, no matter how difficult that may be. Because maybe, our pasts are more present than what we ever once imagined.
Editorial Note: For readers who are local to LA, there is a wonderful gym called Everybody that is non-binary- and Trans-friendly! There’s also an inclusive and fat-positive online streaming platform called Joyn.
It’s not news that social media, digital advertising, and other online platforms provoke hyper-awareness of appearances and encourage vigilant self-criticism. Try as I may to curate my feed, last month I still saw plenty of weight loss and exercise-oriented new year’s resolutions. My Higher Self knew that the people making them were struggling with ignorance and insecurity, but I still felt frustrated and personally triggered by diet-culture-induced resolutions about losing weight because I used to make similar shitty resolutions and set unhealthy goals for myself. Seeing this language was frustrating, but also generously presented to me an opportunity to reflect on my progress in learning and unlearning about my existence and interactions with larger societal forces like fatphobia, misogyny, transphobia, and the works.
In order to reflect, it’s appropriate to rewind to my late teenagedom. Still thoroughly privileged, in high school I lived as a white, closeted enby competing in girls’ cross country and track. My teammates and I restricted our food intake, discussed calories, compared bodies, and religiously googled “victoria’s secret workout.” Participating as a young woman in fitness-oriented environments came with abundant challenges, but when I allowed myself my nonbinariness, I simultaneously experienced significant liberation and uncomfortable erasure.
As I let go of seeing myself as a girl over the years, I lost my membership to the target audience for thigh-slimming workouts, starvation intermittent fasting diets, and appetite-suppressant lollipops. Advertisements were no longer trying to get my attention; they were interested in marketing to women. To this day I’ve never seen a fitspo advertisement with a nonbinary person (and I’d like to keep it that way!). Yet as my negative influences dwindled upon my transition, so did my positive ones. Acknowledging my nonbinariness meant not seeing myself in athletic environments at all. I never saw openly nonbinary star athletes in media — in fact, I didn’t even see a locker room for me to use at the gym.
So I don’t go to the gym! But I would actually like to exercise more; it would be nice to get stronger and spend time connecting with my body. I decided to look for some inspiration beyond offensive fitspo and professional cis athletes. To be clear, I am 100% sure there are closeted trans and nonbinary people in professional sports, but I was looking for openly nonbinary folks. Notably, I found little information available focusing on trans and nonbinary athletes of color, which was dispapointing but not surprising. A critique of racism — especially anti-Blackness — is a necessary part of this discussion, as even cisgender athletes of color aren’t safe from violent and degrading gender policing in athletics (see the misogynoiristic treatment of Caster Semenya). It’s essential to critically consider the differences in gendered treatment that athletes of a variety of axes of oppression receive.
In my search, I didn’t find any openly nonbinary olympians or pro athletes, but I did discover Lauren Lubin and their nonbinary running group in NYC. Though they formerly played college basketball on a binary team, they now openly compete in marathons, seemingly without having to self identify as a binary gender. I also found quite a few nonbinary and gender variant college and semi-pro athletes stuck competing on either men’s or women’s teams, like Raven Maus. More trans binary athletes were visible than nonbinary, but their careers were still fraught with transphobic allegations. Often times, I found professional trans athletes that prematurely retired in order to transition as their leagues forbade it.
Though I’m grateful for the nonbinary role models I have, the avalanche of transphobic and violent stories I scrolled past spoke more to my fear and anxiety. So I made my own alternative affirmations, to counter and revise gross fitspo and violent gender enforcement — with nonbinary people, body neutrality & acceptance, and self respect prioritized:
Nonbinary folks are strong and capable!
Trans athletes deserve respect and inclusion!
We do need to work on de-binarying sports though
Biological sex isn’t real!
Queer people belong in gyms and on teams and wherever else they want to be!
All bodies deserve care and respect, often in different ways.
Please don’t judge people for not exercising or meeting your standards.
If you think you see a trans person in a locker room or bathroom mind your BUSINESS!
You are strong, you are wonderful, and I know you are trying your best!
Calories don’t exist! You don’t need to “earn” any food.
I believe bodies, especially nonbinary bodies, are as complex and multitudinous as our spirits. Spending meaningful time in your body resting, relaxing, reading, drawing, laughing, or just simply being is just as valuable as spending time exercising. You deserve respect, visibility, and celebration.
About the Author
Emil (they/them) is an east coast based illustrator. As an undergraduate studying Art History and Studio Art, they take interest in comics and comic history, as well as gender studies and abstract drawing. Outside of school and work, they enjoy caring for their plants, making pesto, cherishing their friends, and collecting Hello Kitty memorabilia. You can find them on instagram at @emilcyvon and visit their website here!
