Camp Thirlby’s Comprehensive Guide to Non-monogamy and Polyamory 

Camp Thirlby’s Comprehensive Guide to Non-monogamy and Polyamory 

Natalie Geisel

My monogamy-conditioned brain always used to think: when you find the one, why try to find others? But, for polyamorous folks: when you find the one, why not find others who can also fulfill your desires and overall happiness? Just as fellow Camp Thirlby writer Mar Christiano compared kinks to different variations of pizza, polyamory and other forms of non-monogamy can also be like our pizza preferences — some slices may not be for everyone, but it can be damn good when made to perfection. We’re not anti-monogamy here at Camp Thirlby, because anyone should be able to enjoy a plain cheese pizza, even if it’s boring to some. But we’re also not against other relationship styles — if the veggie-heavy pizza is what makes you happy, go for it! And if one day, you find yourself liking olives on pizza when you previously hated it, explore that new preference! Taste is taste, and all relationship style preferences are valid. Which is why I present you a guide rather than a rulebook to polyamory, with information sourced both from professionals and insight from our Camp Thirlby community on their experiences.

The Basics of the Non-monogamy Umbrella

Non-monogamy is an umbrella term that refers to any relationship practice that is not monogamy — a sexual and/or romantic relationship that includes two people who do not see other people in a similar way. “Non-monogamy” can feel like a mouthful in more ways than one, as the practice itself includes a vast amount of choices. Derivatives of non-monag relationships include polygamy, or having more than one spouse, and swinging, which is the social practice of including other partners in an already defined sexual relationship (think of that throuple Alice accidentally found herself in in The L Word: Generation Q). But most commonly, the non-monogamy umbrella includes open relationships and polyamory.

The L Word: Generation Q featured a (short-lived) throuple with lead Alice, showcasing one of the few representations on television of what non-monogamy can look like. Photo ℅ Showtime

The L Word: Generation Q featured a (short-lived) throuple with lead Alice, showcasing one of the few representations on television of what non-monogamy can look like. Photo ℅ Showtime

Stevie Boebi, a sex educator and polyamorous-identified YouTuber, differentiates the two by labeling an open relationship as a relationship practice and polyamory as an identity. In open relationships, two people who are committed to each other can open up the relationship by allowing either partner to see others outside of it, either sexually, romantically, or both. Polyamory, on the other hand, refers to the identity of someone who has “the capacity to be in love with more than one person at a time,” Stevie notes, breaking the misconception that polyamorous people have to be in several relationships at every given moment. Open relationships can transition into polyamory, or alternatively, polyamorous relationships can transition into more structured open relationships with a primary partner and more casual secondary partners. But oftentimes, this practice is what leads to people understanding their polyamorous desires.

However, not every polyamorous person moves into polyamory through an open relationship; some people have been practicing it since they first started dating. Kesiena, who identifies as a polyamorous lesbian, has always been certain that she wasn’t interested in monogamy. Speaking on behalf of the two months she tried it, she said, “I found it very hard not to cheat on [my partner] because monogamy feels like a cage to me. When I started meeting more polyam queers, I gained language for my feelings and started incorporating being polyamorous into my identity.” For Kesiena, she never felt true fulfillment from having only one partner, but for others, they might find fulfillment from being in a committed relationship with one partner while having sex with others without emotional attachment. 

However, not every non-monogamous relationship has to fit either of these extremes. Non-monogamy can look entirely different for every case, and it can change based on each individual relationship or partner. For some, they might be a “mixed bag,” as Leslie, a bisexual woman who practices non-monogamy, told me, meaning her decision to be monogamous or non-monogamous simply depends on her own desires at that time and the partner(s) she was seeing. 

Some might choose to pursue non-hierarchical polyamory or relationship anarchy, a practice that diminishes the act of ranking relationships and rather asks partners to put care into all of their partners equally. This lack of labeling a partner as “primary” or “secondary” (or even “tertiary”) can allow for more freedom in relationships; however, people who practice hierarchical relationships follow a more structured approach. A “primary partner” holds more priority — this could involve living with their primary and/or making important decisions together. A “secondary partner” holds less priority, but that does not mean that they are unimportant. Instead, they might hold less expectations and/or emotional intimacy and might actually prefer being secondary. Yet, it is important to allow these positions to occur naturally — instead of forcing a predetermined form on partners, try to look inward and to your partners to explore what feels best, making sure all partners communicate both their desires and worries. 

Why Are People Against Polyamory?

Apart from the fact that polyamory goes against compulsory monogamy, there are several stereotypes and misconceptions about the relationship style and identity that stigmatize the practice even further. Many people are socialized to believe that polyamory is still fundamentally cheating; it breeds greed and toxic behaviors. While these issues, to an extent, can be true in non-monogamous relationships, they are often assumptions that just make the world of polyamory seem analogous to “the dark side.” 

Stevie explains the illogical belief that polyamorous people are cheaters when she says in her video that “some people desire [multiple partners]. If you do desire it, and you know you do, you say it out loud to the person you’re dating. And when they’re chill with it, how is that cheating?” In polyamorous relationships that have healthy communication and set boundaries, it is more difficult for cheating to occur if the other knows that their partner is seeing other people. This myth also brings up the idea that polyamory cannot be possible because people are inherently jealous. While jealousy doesn’t magically vanish with this relationship style (although some polyamorous people don’t tend to feel it), there is often a “culture [with non-monogamy that] strongly encourages working through things like jealousy in productive ways,” Stevie says. Meanwhile, with monogamy, there often isn’t a structure to discuss this issue, as one person noted, making jealousy possible in any relationship style. 

Jealousy’s antithesis, compersion, is also a means to combat this scary feeling. Heavily rooted in polyamory, it refers to the happiness a partner can feel by seeing their partner being fulfilled by someone else. Stevie also explains it in her video when she refutes jealousy by saying, “My partner who I love very much thinks someone else is hot — that is so fun! Why would I ever have a negative reaction to that?” Some people are unable to feel this as easily as others, making polyamory not the option for everyone, but it can also alternatively make the relationship style more appealing.

With or without jealousy, people also often assume that non-monogamous relationships leave more room for toxicity. Leslie debunked that when she said, “I don’t like this idea that polyamorous relationships are inherently toxic or that they never work and that they’ll always fail,” talking about a bad experience she had with an open relationship. “I haven’t lost that belief that there could be the potential for really healthy, open, and communicative polyamorous relationships in the future.” Just like monogamy, there is a possibility for unhealthy dating habits, which can be prevented with, you guessed it, communication and boundaries.

Even with clear communication and boundaries, doesn’t that still make all polyamorous people selfish? Isn’t one partner enough? Monogamy would say so, but polyamorous people, like Kesiena, actually take pride in this greediness — “I certainly am [greedy]!” She continued, “I want as much joy and intimacy and sex in my life as I can get my hands on.” To her, polyamory is a space where she can explore her desires and get what she wants through her sexuality — a practice that is often stripped from womxn and queer folks. 

So, Why Do People Practice It?

To reiterate, polyamory isn’t for everyone. If you’re happy with monogamy, why not stick with it? But for many, monogamy isn’t the best option, whether in a specific relationship or an entire lifespan, and often, these people feel more fulfilled in more ways than one when deciding to explore non-monogamy instead.

To some, practicing non-monogamy gave them permission for self-exploration, whether through sexuality or simply how we value our interpersonal connections. One pansexual person who is in an open relationship told me, “I decided to explore non-monogamy [with my current partner], and it took a lot of communicating and stripping my pre-existing constructs around relationships and especially around sex. It also made me realize how I had an amazing opportunity to experience my [pan]sexuality as well.” People often open their relationships to find out more about themselves and their sexual preferences, allowing them to maintain commitment with their primary partner but still have other sexual experiences.

For others, getting to experience several partners allows them to learn more about themselves in ways they didn’t know possible. “I really value my experience dating people and getting to know others because it is truly a lesson in myself,” Leslie said. “I feel like I’ve grown with every single date and with every single connection I’ve had because I learn something new about myself every time.” 

Through experiencing several people at once, we learn a bit more about ourselves, and this openness can also bring some reassurance for polyamorous people. Kesiena told me, “It feels very comforting to know that there will never be a ‘missed opportunity’ if I meet someone I like on account of me already having another partner. I will always be the one who has the final say on who I can fuck and who I can love.” Having the ability to love several people at once can be a source of agency, even at times when polyamorous people are not actively seeing several people.

People who practice non-monogamy have also noted other benefits in having several partners, particularly in receiving more romantic and sexual satisfaction. Several people stated that it doesn’t make sense to expect one person to fulfill all of one’s desires. Isabella, someone who has wanted to experiment with non-monogamy, said, “I think being able to have multiple partners and opening yourself up to multiple people allows for more of you to be satisfied. You can have more experiences, more people can experience you, [and] you’re filling more of your needs.” Oftentimes, polyamorous people are perceived as selfish by wanting more than one person to fulfill these desires, so admitting this need can be a difficult task and bring about a lot of shame. However, Leslie told me that “it’s not a crime to have multiple people to fulfill those desires,” and she’s absolutely correct — while some people feel fulfilled by one partner, others feel fulfilled by several, and there shouldn’t be shame in exploring that.

This desire for several partners can range from wanting more sexual experiences to understanding that different partners have different interests and abilities, and Kesiena said that she “wants as much of it as possible” due to her lack of overt affection growing up. Yet, there doesn’t have to be a rhyme or reason for why someone is polyamorous or practicing non-monogamy — if all partners are happy and communicating, why not?

The ability to have sex with several people for non-monogamous folks also often leads to more sexual satisfaction and affirmation — the lack of sexual limitations means having more informed experiences, including knowing what you like, knowing what you’re good at, and even figuring out if you prefer certain kinks, as not every partner will be able to bring that to the table. Moreover, many queer people told me that they decided to open their heterosexual-presenting relationships because they wanted to explore their queer desires by having sex with other people. Sex with other people hasn’t weakend their primary relationship; instead, it can be a strengthening source. “With my primary partner, it definitely makes us feel more connected to each other, like a nice secure homecoming,” a pansexual woman told me on behalf of her open relationship. “Because we can have fun with others, [sex is] exceptionally special between us.” 

When in Doubt, Practice Effective Communication and Boundaries

Just like any monogamous relationship, polyamorous ones require work and can foster specific issues — which can easily be solved with communication and boundaries. I have personally experienced previous toxicity with polyamory — a partner misusing “polyamory” just to use their partners and throw away the label when it wasn’t convenient anymore — and I have heard from others’ experiences where polyamory was not always perfect. Kesiena thought back on a toxic relationship, noting “If you notice that your lover isn’t kind to their other lovers, don’t assume you’re the exception, assume that you’re next.” Take care of the need to respect all partners in your life, even if they aren’t considered as serious as other ones.

Apart from toxic partners, non-monogamy can bring about unclear and unhealthy relationship habits. Several people shared with me that opening up a relationship as a last resort to making it “better” is most likely not the saving option. Jealousy and insecurity can also arise from non-monogamous relationships, even if one feels specifically fit to deal with those tricky emotions. But! As goes with any relationship, communication and boundaries can help — a thought that has been driving the majority of this guide. While some partners may not respect boundaries, as one person shared with me, it is better safe than sorry to instill these practices early on in relationships, no matter how casual.

Leslie and Tara, two people who practice different forms of non-monogamy, both agreed that for non-monogamous relationships to work, all parties need to be on the same page from the beginning. “I make sure that everyone who I’m romantically interested in and who also is romantically interested in me is aware of the fact that I’m also talking to other people in the same way,” Leslie told me, ensuring that her partners are okay with her current relationship style. On the other hand, Tara, who is in an open relationship, insisted that “all members of the relationship need to be okay with [non-monogamy]” to ensure openness and honest communication. However, because it might be impossible for every partner to want the exact same things, talking through them, particularly with certain boundaries, can ease problems that arise from having more than one partner.

Boundaries vary from person to person and relationship to relationship, making it an important practice that consistently needs to be checked in on. While one partner tells their primary partner every time they hook up with someone else, another might not disclose details of their sex life with other partners. It is crucial to look inward to know what you want in terms of this disclosure but also listen to what your partner feels comfortable with — it requires both parties’ participation. Other boundaries can exist on a more individual basis, like Kesiena’s boundary to not “shit talk [her] lovers’ other lovers with them.” She continues, “It’s something that needs to be worked out with a friend or therapist or literally anyone else who you’re not sleeping with.” 

Do boundaries have to be static from the moment we place them? Just as relationships change, boundaries can also change, which is why communication is so crucial. Leslie’s first open relationship included monthly check-ins with her partner to “see if [they] were okay and if [they] needed to talk about boundaries” due to this possibility. Tara also noted that “there are so many nuances within romantic and sexual relationships, so it's important to know what everyone wants or is ok with.” She continued, “Relationships are subject to change, and to navigate these changes, there needs to be open and honest communication.” Someone might decide that they want to open their relationship even further to include more serious partners, or that they started seeing another partner more consistently and have less time for one partner. Communicating these changes immediately can prevent hurt feelings, confusion, and ultimately toxic relationships.

Even if boundaries and relationship dynamics stay the same, open communication is always important, especially when dealing with tricky emotions. “I try to be very direct and immediate in expressing my hurts and my joys and encourage them to do the same so that resentment and jealousy don’t have a secret dark space to flourish in and the good things have room to be seen,” Kesiena noted, signifying the priority in talking through difficult feelings so they have the possibility to transform into healthy spaces rather than secrets. 

That being said, communication and boundaries, even the effective type, might not solve every single issue, just as every relationship just might not work out. And that’s okay! Just as polyamorous folks would argue, undergoing these experiences with several people will lead you one step closer to finding yourself, your sexual and romantic desires, and ultimately what relationship style works best for you.

Is Polyamory Better?

For some, it can feel more “progressive” to practice non-monogamy, similar to being queer in a heteronormative world. This practice might appear more common for queer people because everything we do already breaks norms, so why not practice something that goes directly against compulsory monogamy, a structure that’s just as powerful as heteronormativity?

Yet, just like people disagree that polyamory should be considered a queer identity, even with its connection to queerness, many, including people who identify as polyamorous, wouldn’t say that it’s a morally superior option. It can be instantly fulfilling for some or a rewarding but difficult process for others. Or, it can be a nightmare for those who swear by monogamy — which is totally fine! At the end of the day, it is a vast world that continues beyond this piece; as Isabella stated, “There’s so much to know about it. I don’t necessarily think that these things can be defined; I think it’s a person by person basis.” 

More Resources to Continue Learning

Below is a comprehensive list of resources, sourced by the Camp Thirlby community, to further your understanding of non-monogamy. Ranging from must-read books to Internet personalities, we recommend looking into some (or all!) of these to learn more about the relationship style and yourself.

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About the Author

Natalie Geisel (she/her) is a senior at The George Washington University studying women’s, gender, and sexuality studies with minors in English and communication. Her love of writing sprouted from starting her fashion blog in high school, and her current written work focuses on topics of LGBTQ+ content, culture, and identity. Launching and managing Camp Thirlby was out of interest in intersecting gender and sexuality into the world of youth and wellness, hoping to add marginalized voices, like her own queer one, to an underrepresented community. When she’s not writing, she spends her spare time at dance rehearsal, attending local indie shows in the DC area, or finding the best cafes that serve oat milk. She’s passionate about inclusive sex education and sustainable fashion and thinks everyone should be, too. You can view all of her written work on her website.

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