This Pandemic Period, Break The Crippling Cycle of Self-doubt
I don’t know about you, but sometimes I can’t help but wish the first half of this year never happened. I don’t mean to come across as a pessimist or flat out ungrateful, but my quarantine life has been an emotional rollercoaster where one good, productive day is followed by at least ten bad days in a row.
All the ads I can’t escape during my binge watches of Parks and Rec on Hulu are focused on making the most of quarantine: spending quality time with family, trying out a new hobby, or establishing a killer workout regimen. But my reality looks completely different from all of that. To be completely honest, I have never felt more stuck.
Being stuck is making me disagreeable, irritable, and far more anxious than I have ever felt before. While celebrities and influencers on Instagram Live keep preaching about “making time” to relax, reboot, and focus on what you love, I can’t escape the sinking feeling that all I’m doing is losing time.
Now more than ever, I would like a reset button for the entire year. I want to go back to when the clock struck midnight and we rang in a new decade. I want to go back to let my past self know that I would only spend two months studying abroad instead of four. I want to go back and prepare myself for the crippling rejection I’d face during this summer’s job search. I want to go back to tell myself to call my friends more often and think less about all the things I believe I’m missing out on. If there is one thing I have learned these past few months, it is that being bored is dangerous.
But we cannot go back. We have to keep plowing forward, and I know that I cannot keep going in this way, angry and insecure about anything and everything.
Keep in mind this year has not been completely pointless for me and countless others out there. I have seen and experienced so much strength and unity online in the past month or so. I’ve been introduced to so many amazing organizations fighting for racial equality to support, so many thought-provoking films to add to my must-watch list, and so many empowered individuals venturing out to participate in Black Lives Matter protests throughout the world. The move towards societal reform and social justice has been incredible to experience and oh so necessary.
But all this good has not changed the fact that my mental headspace is caving in under all the stress, confusion, and uncertainty this year has wrought.
July is now here; we are officially halfway through 2020. And although I cannot backpetal to the start of this year, I like to think I can reappropriate the New Year’s resolution tradition to lift me up, especially now that I’m feeling rather low. I’m thinking of it as a half-year’s resolution, where I reflect on what has happened so far this year and decide how I can fix what 2020 broke.
For me, this resolution needs to be practical, achievable, and above all else, time-consuming. I need a goal that I can reach and have complete control over. I need something that will build me up instead of offering up further disappointment.
So, I have decided for the remainder of this year, I am going to read at least one book per month. It’s not a commitment to daily yoga sessions at 6 a.m. or a promise to never consume dairy again (fresh mozzarella is just too good to pass up). This is something small that I know I can accomplish, a goal to better myself without any lofty expectations like writing an entire novel or reinventing the wheel.
I know what some avid readers out there are probably thinking: “how do you not read at least one book every month?” But in the spirit of total transparency, I will admit I have not read for pleasure in far too long — probably since middle school. Sure, I read the curriculum-mandated classics in high school English class and the academic journals assigned to supplement my college media lectures. I even read the news when I am in the mindset to stomach it. But I can’t concretely remember the last time I read something for pure enjoyment alone, and I want 2020 to change that.
I have already got my July book selected: Eating the Sun: Small Musings on a Vast Universe by Ella Frances Sanders. It’s a compilation of science-related topics (atoms, planets, stars) presented in an evocative, poetic way. What makes me most excited to get started is that this book is a piece of nonfiction (a slice of meaty realism), but it’s not about viruses, presidential elections, or anything else equally sinister or deflating. It’s about big, overarching things — what we are chemically made of, the laws of nature and gravity, and so on. I’m eager to learn about these massive entities that I have never had control over, to sit back and marvel at all the things that are bigger than us. Being stuck at home, it’s just what I need.
This resolution is a chance to switch my focus and apply my pent-up quarantine energy in a productive way, to escape reality for a couple hours, and to expand my perspective without ever leaving the house.
So if COVID-19 quarantine has got you in a rut, consider making your own half-year’s resolution. The sun is coming up, people are starting to get back to work, and if July is the month for anything in particular (besides defunding the police and soul-crushing sunburns), it has got to be one of new beginnings.
About the Author
Arielle Ostry (she/her) is a writer, dancer, and nature-lover originally from Green Brook, NJ. Entering her final year at The George Washington University, she studies journalism & mass communication and dance, exploring how her various passions can intersect. She started writing about dance at the start of her college experience, and has since written reviews and artist features for various DC publications. She now enjoys obsessing over and writing about health and wellness, pop culture and its impact, and art (in all its many forms). In her spare time, Arielle enjoys fresh air, experimenting with her ever-evolving coffee order, and binge-listening to true crime podcasts. For more work by Arielle, check out her online portfolio.
