Pleasure in a Pandemic: Sex and Sexuality During COVID-19
As we’re all stuck at home and writhing in the difficulty of this time, sex might not be the first thing on your mind. Or maybe it is — the reality of having sex has changed a lot since this winter. Having sex during quarantine and the fallout of COVID-19 is both tempting and daunting, so we’ve put together a little guide on sexuality during quarantine.
Thinking about seeing a sexual partner? Wanting to have sex but not wanting to physically increase risk? Curious about exploring masturbation or virtual sex? Read on for some risks and benefits to consider. Always remember that safety is the number one priority (with pleasure as a close second).
Sexual Transmission of COVID-19
First and foremost, it cannot be emphasized enough that more research needs to be done on COVID-19 as a whole, but especially in the context of sexual activity. We cannot tell you what is safe to do when, but we can help inform you and present risks and benefits to different practices during this time.
COVID-19 can be transmitted during sex in the same way it can be transmitted normally — through contact with respiratory droplets (coughing, sneezing, breathing), either directly or through being at a proximal distance (less than 6 feet away). Direct contact with saliva and mucus can also transmit the virus. This unfortunately means that even being close to someone or kissing them are potentially risky activities.
Feces can also transmit the virus, so any sexual activities that might involve exposure to fecal matter have a high risk level (i.e. oral sex on an anus, putting a penis or sex toy in the mouth after it’s been in an anus, etc.). Lastly, COVID-19 has been identified in semen, but there is not enough research indicating the virus can be spread through semen. COVID-19 has not been found in vaginal fluid. Isolated from the pandemic, it’s already generally a good idea to use protection (condoms, dental dams, etc.) when potentially exposed to feces or body fluids (semen, vaginal fluid, blood, etc.) to protect against STIs (even if pregnancy risk is not a concern).
As many folks might already know, some individuals infected with COVID-19 can be asymptomatic, or show no signs of the virus, so it’s important to be cautious and think through your sexual activity risk with anyone. Even if someone has been tested and does not have virus symptoms or antibodies, some individuals may want to consider the risk of false negatives and think through the person’s potential exposures as risk assessment instead. But again, we cannot tell you where the line between okay and not okay or between safe and not safe is. There are many underlying factors that both sexual partners need to consider (recent sexual history, risk exposure to COVID-19 in employment and living situations, underlying medical/health conditions, etc.).
However, if you choose to have sex with someone outside your household, it can reduce the risk to yourself and others if it is one person consistently, as opposed to multiple people outside your household. Further, if you choose to have sex outside your household unit, wearing a mask (though potentially silly-feeling) could reduce your risk for infection and transmission. Generally speaking, many sources have said that the safest partner sex is with someone you live with or with yourself. Read more about health agency guidelines on sex during COVID-19 in our resources section below.
Sex with Someone You Live with
Choosing to engage in sexual activities with someone you live with has risks and benefits. Obviously, some folks may live with a sexual partner already. However, for some folks who may live with friends or housemates, there is the potential for consensual sexual activity if negotiated appropriately between all parties. Having sexual contact with someone you already live with doesn’t seem to introduce any higher level of risk in terms of COVID-19 than simply living with them.
It does present some potential risks beyond the virus — it’s important to remember any sexual activity presents risks. These risks can be physical, like risk for contracting an STI or of becoming pregnant, or risk of injury during sex (i.e. vaginal tears, anal fissures, etc.), all of which exist in all sexual encounters. In addition, there is no sexual activity that doesn’t come with risks to emotional and mental health based on someone’s history or pre-existing conditions.
One way to try to protect your emotional and mental safety is to discuss boundaries in advance, during sexual contact, and as you progress in the future, if this is a recurring sexual partnership. Explaining what you’re comfortable with, what you like, what turns you on, and things you’re interested in exploring is a great way to not only safeguard yourself, but also to increase intimacy and usually to create a more fulfilling sexual experience. It’s also important to articulate what you’re not comfortable with and what you don’t like, and to listen to your partner(s)’s needs, desires, and boundaries.
Masturbation
The technically safest way to have sex during quarantine and the fallout of the COVID-19 pandemic as it continues (and even as it starts to become less of a threat) is to have sex with yourself. For some, masturbation is already a part of their life, either with a partner/partners or alone. Masturbation has many forms and many purposes, but can be a valuable way to engage in your sexuality when you’re not able to get external contact — perfect for quarantine and pandemic measures. So let’s talk about masturbation — how do you do it? There are various methods depending on your preferences, genitals, and comfort level.
Below is a list of ideas of ways to masturbate to get you started:
Vibrator (clitoris, general vulva area, anus external [unless there is a flared base, do not insert a vibrator in an anus], penis at shaft/tip)
Note: some vibrators come with features like air flow (suck/blow) or specific movement to simulate a tongue or oral sex — this can be great for beginners or to anyone who thinks vibrators seem foreign and intimidating
Hands/fingers (internal vagina, external clitoris, penis, anus internal, anus external)
Cock ring (penis/growth - can be vibrating or not)
Penetrative sex toys (i.e. fleshlight, silicone sleeve, etc.)
Insertable anal sex toys (dildo, anal beads, butt plug, etc. – flared base only!)
Insertable vaginal sex toys (dildo, dildo + vibrator)
Household items (at your own risk — decrease the risk of using these items by using a condom/dental dam on them)
Vibrating toothbrush (internal/external vulva)
Hairbrush handle (internal vulva)
Vibrating face brush (handle side)
Cucumber/phallic vegetable
Pillow/stuffed animal/cushions (penetrative humping for penis, humping/rubbing for vulvas)
Water (bathtub stream, handheld shower head) — pressure for vulvas/clitorises
If you’re someone who has tried masturbation but it’s not a part of your usual routine, or if you’ve never tried it at all, it can feel intimidating to incorporate masturbation into your sexuality. Different folks may have different needs when it comes to masturbating. I think it’s safe to say that anyone exploring masturbation could benefit from giving themselves time and a safe physical space — block off an hour or two so there’s no feeling of being rushed and make sure the place you’re exploring is comfortable and private.
Some folks with no experience like to start with a sex toy (especially for folks with vulvas) because it can feel less complicated and more likely to ‘succeed’ (though framing an orgasm as success can perpetuate harmful ideas about what is required in sex and masturbation). Many people like to “set the mood” for themself, similar to a solo date, so feel free to light candles, play music, set the lighting, or do whatever will make you feel most comfortable. There’s no rulebook for how to start masturbating, but the best advice I’ve heard is to listen to yourself.
Try out different methods and styles of masturbation, and observe the way your mind and body responds. Most importantly, remember that the only objective is to enjoy yourself — orgasm can be an added bonus, but pleasure of any kind is the real end goal.
You may have heard of some of the benefits of masturbation. To list a few, masturbation can bring: improved mood, physical pain relief, endorphins, an understanding of your body and desires, bodily reclamation or self-love, and agency in your own sexuality. Finding intimacy with yourself can be empowering and fulfilling.
Cyber Sex
Another way to engage in sexuality from afar is virtual sex, or sexual activity or interaction taking place over video calls, phone calls, text messages, photo exchanges, camsites, and more. While cyber sex is technically equally as safe as masturbation in terms of your physical health, it can impact mental health and safety in a lot of ways, so it can be important to formulate your own boundaries and approach online sexuality with caution.
Cyber sex could mean interacting with a stranger, or it could be something you engage in with an existing partner/partners. On-camera nudity can pose privacy and security risks no matter who you engage with, so some folks will save photos, videos, or live video calls for someone trusted. However, it is completely your choice to interact with someone less well-known — just try to be as safe as possible. Some things to consider include: covering your face/eyes, not using your real name or a variation of it, modifying your background to be unrecognizable, and taking appropriate security measures regarding your internet connection. It may also be important, depending on your age and circumstances, to review the child pornography and revenge pornography laws in your state. It’s also absolutely vital to ensure any cyber communications are consensual by all parties — sending unsolicited content is an act of sexual violence.
People who are currently in long distance partnerships may not have been before the pandemic, so many folks are attempting to maintain sexual intimacy and pleasure while being physically apart. There are many sex toys that have been developed specifically for long distance partners — toys with bluetooth and other remote features are allowing partners to explore and experience simultaneous sexuality. These often come in the form of a vibrator-style toy or toys which one partner can control using an app or other bluetooth controller for virtual, real-time sex. However, many of these are expensive or otherwise inaccessible, but partners who are long distance have multiple other options. As previously explained, cyber sex that involves an exchange of content (video, photo, text) can be fun and spontaneous and allows for partners to engage in masturbation or sexual fantasy non-simultaneously, which can be extremely valuable for partners in different time zones or with fairly incompatible schedules. Other partners may prefer live methods of cyber sex, like video chat or phone call, which can be really intimate and exciting since you’re both experiencing pleasure at the same time.
Ultimately though, partners need to communicate together to determine which method or methods of distanced sexuality are comfortable, safe, and enjoyable for them. Some people find live cyber sex awkward or embarassing, while others think it’s the closest form of sexuality. Some people may find sending photos intimidating or too risky, while others love the spontaneity and control of sending and receiving (consensually). Bottom line: there’s no perfectly fulfilling or “right” way to have long distance sex, but there are plenty of things to try to see what is perfect for you and your partner(s).
Reopening
As some states start to reopen and others are closing back up after opening prematurely, it’s essential to pay attention to your local policies on distancing. However, we hope folks will consider the larger picture of risk and safety and how there are so many ways to experience sex without seeing someone in person that can be fulfilling in a unique way. Whatever you choose, do it safely, consensually, and not in a way where it contributes to the raging pandemic.
Resources/guidelines:
About the Author
Elena Phethean (she/her/hers) originally hails from Pleasantville, NY, and is a recent grad from Tufts University. There, she studied Women’s, Gender & Sexuality Studies and Community Health and acted as the co-coordinator of Tufts Sex Health Reps, a student group bringing comprehensive and inclusive sexuality education and sexual violence prevention to campus. She also loves music and sang with her a cappella group, the Tufts Jackson Jills, all four years at Tufts. She is especially interested in exploring the intersections of queerness, sexual health, mental health, and pleasure. She also focuses in sexual violence prevention and visibility and support for survivors.
