Somebody’s Going to Get Hurt
Hello sweetpeas,
Today we are here to talk about how perfectionism does not support healing, and how we bump into each other in spite of our best efforts.
We are in particular moment of cultural upheaval that reinforces a hyper-focus on decontextualized details. This means: we find something not-great, and we double down on it. This information is often provided as evidence about whether or not a person is trustworthy or “good.”
Details matter! Far be it from me to tell you, all you dear earth signs and Eneagram Ones and upholders of what is right and good, that details do not matter.
That said, we are in a moment of deep belief in the idea that if we can get all the details right, then nobody’s will get hurt. The belief is, if we point out when people get the details wrong, then we can know who the bad people are.
However, we sometimes struggle to differentiate between hurt feelings and longer-term patterns of harm. It becomes hard to identify the difference between “that person screwed up” and “that person keeps screwing up, and is able to hide the evidence, they must be stopped.”
We Are Trying To Prevent Harm
I appreciate that in this time of intra-community monitoring, we are trying to protect each other. Or perhaps not each other, but some vulnerable, potentially objectified other from various kinds of harm.
Often, because we feel powerless in these other aspects of our lives, so we focus on the details. This is sort of like how worrying can help us feel more prepared. It doesn’t work, but it grinds the gears for awhile and can tucker us out when we’re feeling powerless and stressed. It seems like it’s helping- even if all it does is exhaust us.
So it’s tricky; as a movement, we want to do our best, and expect our best of each other. We want to do right by each other.
Sometimes the impulse to do right means pointing out when we see other people doing something wrong. Unfortunately, the scope of ‘wrong’ is not finite or objective, and people can get taken down for all kinds of reasons that are not about them having caused direct or sustained harm.
Deflection is Powerful
It is much easier to point out when we see other people existing imperfectly than to reflect upon the ways we have dropped the ball, disappointed someone, or acted outside our own values. The self critique many of us engage in is indicative not of deep movement work, but of re-enacting our own cognitive habits of self-loathing.
Mostly we simply don’t want to be in trouble, and struggle to respond to feedback without engaging our well-practiced trauma responses. (appeasement and freezing, and fighting, most often.) Engaging feedback as an opportunity for expansiveness requires more internal resources that we often don’t have.
Imperfect People Make Useful Things
One example we may consider in this conversation about perfectionism, harm, and movement work: the Heimlich maneuver (or, it’s contemporary adage, ‘abdominal thrusts.’).
Heimlich maneuver is an inelegant technique that has saved many people’s lives from choking.
Choking is not the greatest social ill, but it is a thing that happens- and it is helpful for us to be prepared for it when it does.
That said, the dude that invented the Heimlich performed it on sedated dogs (bad), and later on in life promoted the use of infecting people with malaria in order to handle the treatment of Lyme disease, among other things. (also bad) He was clearly a weird dude with some bad ideas who does not deserve to have things named after him.
However, the utilization of abdominal thrusts in order to pop a thing out of someone’s airway has certainly saved lives.
There are things we may utilize from a murky source that nonetheless serve a purpose that we need fulfilled. It is not outside the bounds of getting shit done to take what you need and leave the rest.
I’m Right You’re Wrong
We are all also in a steady flow of interaction— not just at work, but on all the different modalities by which people connect to one another, usually at a rapid pace. (internet!) Not all feedback here is offered in the spirit of expansiveness and relationship-building.
Often, this feedback is given in the spirit of ‘I am right and you are wrong’ or ‘you did this thing wrong, and therefore every other point you have is null and void’ which is unfortunately not conducive for movement or relationship building.
For some people, the opportunity to feel right on the internet may have been their only opportunity to have their voice be as loud as it needs to be. Unfortunately, this mostly builds a vortex for more yelling, and that is mostly it.
Practice, Not Shame Makes Perfect. Or At Least, Improved.
The expectation of perfection in movement work has really minimized our collective capacity for nuance. In some ways has been reduced to people telling each other they’re bad,or doing everything they can to avoid being told that they are bad.
If things are imperfect, they can be improved! Also, sometimes, we need to just stick the wheel on the cart and keep moving. Unfortunately, these short-term fixes usually wind up heavily skewing to the side of “protecting white people’s feelings” and “maintaining the status quo.”
The trouble here is amplified by the fact there can often be such an erosion of trust that gradual or marginal improvements yield little satisfaction. Folks who have been harmed over a long period of time often have a need for a really significant response, ideally with a quick turnaround. This is tough, because most change is gradual! I don’t have a good answer to this one, except to say: This is a hard thing to navigate!
We are always bumping into each other- that is inevitable.
Our collective response, unfortunately, as often meant that we isolate ourselves or one another in shame, rather than moving toward trust and relationship. We can make mistakes when we trust each other and ourselves.
Also- it takes time to make fewer mistakes. We do not build capacity to improve upon what we know how to do without building skills, without practicing, and without doing so in a place and relationship that can support our growth.
Lately, I feel like the only safety we can know in this life truly exists within a web of trust- between various aspects of the self, or between two or many people. We will bump into each other- which will hurt- but trust and connection are the only ways to mend and heal these wounds.
Give me a call if you need some support trusting yourself, trusting other people, or making peace with the messiness of life.
Or just read Emergent Strategy by adrienne maree brown, in which she articulates everything I’ve been trying to say here, but with a lot of elegance.
About the Author
Maria Turner-Carney has a BA in media studies and queer identity development from Fairhaven College. She received her Master’s in Social Work with a focus in Mental Health from the University of Washington. Her work background includes LGBTQ mental health; work in the anti-violence movement; dating and domestic violence; harm-reduction; mental health case management; chronic mental illness; intergenerational relationships; and managing chronic health conditions. Her practice is located in Seattle, WA, which you can book here. You can follow her on Instagram here. This article was originally posted in Maria’s blog.
