What Attunement is & How to Do It
Today we are here to talk about the bone-deep craving we all have to be seen and known, and how it shakes out when we are ashamed to ask for that.
Specifically- there is something that comes up in therapy sometimes, in which people state, “I know I can’t assume people will read my mind, it’s kind of abusive to expect it, but I really wish somebody would.”
Now, this statement contains several common and complex dynamics.
First of all, there is the supposition that a desire for care is an unwanted imposition.
You Get To Want Things
It is an inconvenient truth that we are deeply connected, deeply needy human beings. A desire for care is a sign that life has not choked the desire to connect out of you.
That’s great! Look at you, still being interested in and available for connection! Yay!
There are a lot of things that can cause an avoidance of connection, but it’s useful for our both biological and emotional wellbeing that we retain some desire or capacity to connect. (not ALL THE TIME, but sometimes, okay? I hear all the introverts groaning in the back, nobody’s going to make you suddenly start pretending to enjoy parties.)
What Is Attunement?
The other is something we can delve more deeply into- a conversation about attunement!
We’ve talked about attunement before, and feeling like you need too much, and feeling overwhelmed and embarrassed by your sense of need.
As we’ve mentioned before, but I will describe briefly- attunement is something that we talk about most consistently between infants and their caretakers.
There is an innate biological desire to be attuned to- this means, attend to my needs, but also anticipate them. Learn to differentiate between the ways that I cry, and if you know that I’m hungry right after I wake up after nap every day, bring me something to eat without waiting too long.
Let me know that you will attend to my needs and let me know that you can stand me having needs, and having feelings, and being inconvenient and maybe hard to love.
Having Our Needs Anticipated Is A Human Desire
The desire to have our needs anticipated follows most of us into adulthood, especially if there was an absence of attunement in early childhood. An absence of attunement is not necessarily the result of abuse or neglect; often things like overwork or unresolved trauma disrupt a parent’s capacity to attune through no ill intent.
Sometimes a parent cannot attune to their child, and in fact are unable to self-regulate-that is, soothe their nervous system on their own. The dangerous part is when folks are unable to self-regulate, and wind up relying on someone more vulnerable than they are- namely, their children- to do so for them.
This does not mean that children are harmed by having to maintain age-appropriate responsibilities. However, when an adult relies upon a child to do the adult work of creating stability and security for the adult, it destabilizes the child.
Attuning Requires Self-Soothing
To attune appropriately requires a capacity to soothe and quiet a disrupted nervous system. Some people confuse attunement with a capacity for empathy cultivated through hypervigilance and a curated trauma response.
Many folks (who may identify as empaths) have cultivated their underlying hypervigilance- which is a body-based trauma response in which a person is attentive to every subtlety in their environment, which typically originates from a traumatic experience(s). This does not mean that a person who does this from the root of hypervigilance are unempathic- absolutely not.
But I always try to encourage folks to let it be a choice, not a reflex. Let the gift of your care and empathy be a gift you offer choicefully to people you want to receive it rather than a compulsion.
Boundaries Are Awesome, So Is Attunement
So- folks who have this cognitive knowledge that they cannot expect people around them to be mind-readers- that’s great! Yay boundaries!
That said- it is one of the most deeply embedded human impulses to desire for someone else to meet a need you have, without having to articulate the type and speed of what you need.
It’s important that you are prioritizing respecting people’s availability and boundaries- but it’s also important that you accept that it is okay for you to want that.
This is why our advice to folks trying to support others in grief “Don’t say ‘let me know what I can do for you’, give people options and keep showing up.”
While not everybody can understand attachment trauma, consider grief related to death as a parallel. Grief is something else that is a wordless morass that collapses most of our lives at some point or another.
When we are in a deep state of grief, we often do not have the words for “Please sit next to me and don’t say anything” or “I am numb and cannot talk but let’s go for a walk and please tell me all the stupid things your boss said this week” and “Please make me that thing you make with tomatoes and cheese and leave it at my house so I can eat it alone while I watch netflix deep into the night, and my whole body feels like there is a breeze blowing through it but there is warmth in my chest, for awhile, for now, thank you.”
Somebody Come Get Me
When we are in a wordless place, we need somebody to come get us. We need them to try to find us. The best we may be able to do is respond ‘POLO’ when somebody yells ‘MARCO’ down the well of our particular despair.
We want somebody to come get us and see us and know us when we are in grief, loss, despair.
For some of us this wound is closer to the surface than others. We may have a more dire wanting for this thing, especially if this desire has never been sated.
It’s important to bear in mind- yes, we cannot expect the person standing next to us will necessarily be able to bear with us as we are overcome by tears, or that they will have the knowledge or desire to do so.
But it is one of the most deeply held desires-to be held and understood- that connects us to other human beings. Let yourself want this without shame.
This does not mean you will be promised it.
But it does mean that your desire to be cared for is a sparkling remnant of the trust that you perhaps once had that you would be loved, that you would be cared for, that you would be attuned to in a way that would leave you completely satisfied.
Even though we are fallible, and humans beings struggle to love each other well, and will never do so perfectly, I celebrate that you want to be loved. It is evidence of your resilience that you still want things.
Give me a call if you still want to be loved but struggle to allow yourself to want that.
About the Author
Maria Turner-Carney has a BA in media studies and queer identity development from Fairhaven College. She received her Master’s in Social Work with a focus in Mental Health from the University of Washington. Her work background includes LGBTQ mental health; work in the anti-violence movement; dating and domestic violence; harm-reduction; mental health case management; chronic mental illness; intergenerational relationships; and managing chronic health conditions. Her practice is located in Seattle, WA, which you can book here. You can follow her on Instagram here. This article was originally posted in Maria’s blog.
