Ambivalence: How to Navigate Complex Emotions
Today we are here to discuss the complex state of experiencing multiple strong emotions at the same time: ambivalence. There are many things we feel more than one way about- and they often common themes: things like food, money, sex, our families of origin, aging, and similarly universal but unresolved topics. (Also, please do yourself a favor and take in the splendor of the Aretha Franklin jams this blog post is titled after.)
Ambivalence: Embracing Complexity
So: ambivalence, by definition, is possessing two potentially contradictory feelings about a single thing. Many among us would prefer the simplicity of having a single feeling about something at a time.
Ambivalence is a sign of complexity! It is also a natural outgrowth of longevity or multiple kinds of investment in a single entity. This isn’t good or bad, just often how one follows the others.
Ambivalence is also a natural state that we move toward when we are considering some kind of life change.
Some facts about change: people move toward change when they’re ready and supported to do so. You cannot make anybody change who does not want to. The stages typically look like: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance.
Here’s Where the See-Saw Comes In
In this particular instance of approaching change, ambivalence takes on a particularly binary quality. The emotional complexity of ambivalence came often get broken down into the pressure to make a decision: to move toward change, or not. In this instance, I frequently tell folks ambivalence is like a see-saw.
If we get on one half of the see-saw (change) the only side left is the other half (no change.)
Often, a well-meaning friend or therapist may engage in what is called “the righting reflex.” The friend may come down HARD on one side of the see-saw, in the spirit of caring about you. Given that human beings are stubborn, it is deeply embedded in human nature, that if you are ambivalent and your friend leans heavily on you to move to Amsterdam/quit smoking/go to grad school, you are left with the only option to resist any of those things. External pressure does not resolve ambivalence.
The Heavy Weight of Normativity
There is also sometimes a thing where one half of the see-saw has a weight on it, because that decision or behavior is so thoroughly validated by external circumstances/overculture. This can look like:
You are married to somebody who is nice, but you are thinking about leaving the marriage for reasons not related to their niceness. There would be a weight on the side of “stay” because there is a cultural imperative to become and remain married.
You have been on a diet most of your life, but you have recently been changing your relationship to eating, and have gained some weight. You feel better, but experience pressure to return to a state of ‘managing’ your weight, because of the cultural imperative of thinness.
Things like that- some decisions have a weighted pressure or validation that is not rooted in your own wellbeing, but in various cultural imperatives that have nothing to do with your happiness. Acknowledging the cultural pressure you are experiencing within your own ambivalence (“should”s are powerful) may ease some pressure around these decisions.
How to Support Ambivalent People
Stay off the see-saw and don’t tell them what to do. Validate their contradictory feelings. Remain in relationship to them while they are in internal conflict. Do not engage if they try to externalize the conflict onto your interaction. This is my best advice on the subject I’ve got.
How to Resolve Your Own Ambivalence
First of all, some ambivalence is unresolvable. You may love your mom, and she may not have protected you when you were small, and those can both be true.
Sometimes it is unresolvable because we long for something that we cannot affect change about. We long for a childhood we did not have, and also mourn the one we did have. We feel ashamed that we did not apply for that aspirational job, but we know also that we did not really want it.
The tricky part of ambivalence is that it pulls on the part of our brain that loves binaries and dichotomies: there are only two choices! One is good and one is bad! Only you can decide!
The boundaries are often softer than that. Sometimes ambivalence is the result of very similar choices. Other times the impact of feeling shame about our preferred choice. The actual desirable outcome is often closer to somewhere in the middle than either/or. Trust in the third option.
If you need help finding door #3, give me a call.
About the Author
Maria Turner-Carney has a BA in media studies and queer identity development from Fairhaven College. She received her Master’s in Social Work with a focus in Mental Health from the University of Washington. Her work background includes LGBTQ mental health; work in the anti-violence movement; dating and domestic violence; harm-reduction; mental health case management; chronic mental illness; intergenerational relationships; and managing chronic health conditions. Her practice is located in Seattle, WA, which you can book here. You can follow her on Instagram here. This article was originally posted in Maria’s blog.
