What is Self-Regulation & How to Do It
Dear hearts and stars,
It has come to my attention that people by and large are misinformed about what ‘self regulation’ means- because most people think it means “why can’t I make my feelings smaller and more convenient.”
We are in a cultural moment of directing people toward a place of not relying on marginalized folks to explain things to them, (see: being told to Google it) or to be given the burden of co-regulating with them without context or consent. So, we want to offer some information about what it ‘self-regulation’ means, and how to do it responsibly.
Self-regulation is something that mostly comes up when you are upset or derailed by something.
If things are going fine, and nobody and nothing is bothering you, you may not have a strong need to self-regulate. However, ‘self-regulation’ is what you do when you are feeling upset and want to become less upset.
Self-Regulation and the Nervous System
We can self-regulate successfully when we can get back to our nervous system’s ‘set point’- a common analogy for this is when the thermostat in a room is set to a particular temperature, and if the room gets too hot or too cold, we need to do something to help the room get back to it’s set point. This is similar to how a person’s nervous system responds to being over or under- stimulated.
People’s set points are also different- based on things like whether they experience anxiety, have a trauma history that provides them with a degree of hypervigilance, and also just a person’s baseline temperament. Some folks skew pretty low-key, and others are finely tuned. People’s comfort levels differ greatly in different environments.
Self-Regulation and Privilege
Also, if you are a person who moves in the world with a lot of privilege, you may likely have unconsciously internalized the expectation that you do not need to self-regulate, but that the world needs to arrange itself around you so that you are not upset.
This may sound ludicrous and not something you never participate in, but consider: how often do you grouse internally about things slowing down or not going your way, if you are used to having things your way? Even small things?
It’s easy to get used to things being easy or convenient, and it often requires rigorous participation in understanding that what feels like a ‘neutral’ environment for us typically means the environment either consciously or unconsciously was designed with our comfort in mind.
So: perhaps you are used to not needing to self-regulate, and perhaps you have developed an expectation that people be on-call to co-regulate with you. Or perhaps, you have had such scant comfort in your life, and the expectation of your availability to co-regulate is so embedded it has not occurred to you to ever say no.
What Is Co-regulation?
Co-regulation is a word that describes the variety of ways in which we emotionally influence each other. A calm person can calm a group, if they are connected and grounded, or a dysregulated person can whip a group of people into a state of distress. People may not become visibly distressed in the presence of a dysregulated person, but may simply disassociate.
A person may attune to another person in order to bring them up or down, energetically. A person who is any kind of cheerleader wants to bring your energy UP, with your participation and consent. A person who is in crisis who calls a crisis line is seeking attunement and, ideally, the person on the other end of the line can achieve that with them.
Co-regulation is a very natural thing that we offer each other while being in relationship with each other. Unfortunately, it is something that we often expect of marginalized folks and people working in the service industry or retail. This is typical but inappropriate and unjust.
So: self-regulation is what comes up when you are having a bad day, and you need to handle your feelings in some kind of semi-socially appropriate way. Co-regulation is when somebody else helps you do it.
Interoception: A New Word I Learned
Interoception is the word for the sense that keeps track of what’s going on inside your body. Does your stomach hurt? Do you need to use the bathroom? Are you past the point of exhaustion? Interoception will tell you!
Some people genuinely can’t recognize these cues, and many people are unpracticed in tracking them. These are some of the strongest tools many people use to self-regulate, and without access to this tool, it can really hinder a person’s capacity to self-regulate. Mindfulness techniques are a really great way to cultivate interoception if you find it challenging.
How Does One Self-Regulate
So, if you were an average person, that might mean you had an unpleasant feeling, and you ate some ice cream or went for a walk or watched a bunch of Netflix about it.
Maybe you picked some emotional scabs and stared at your ex’s social media stuff or like, did your preferred self-harm strategies, or spent a few evenings spiraling about whatever thing makes you feel unlovable.
Basically, it means that you recognize that you have a bad feeling and attempt to do something about it. Our capacity to ‘do something about’ ranges greatly based on both internal and external circumstances.
Some Suggestions, To Begin
If you are new at self-regulating- welcome! It’s a worthwhile exercise. Your capacity to self-regulate will build your capacity to do lots of other productive things.
So first of all- you’re having a feeling! Maybe identify it? If nobody is available to co-regulate with you (ask before dumping), maybe write how you’re feeling down!
Attend to Your Body
Feelings are FEELings, and that means that your body is activated when you are feeling something big. Your capacity to self-regulate is best served by your body being well-attended to. Find your favorite form of catharsis (exercise, masturbation, scream crying into a pillow, I’m not picky), maybe figure out if you need to eat or drink some water, settle down however you need to.
Then, feelings:
What I might recommend, if I were your therapist and I had spent some time with you acquainting yourself with your feelings and ego states, I might recommend that you spend some time with your feeling.
Is this an old feeling? Is this a story you are familiar with? When do you feel this way?
How old do you feel in this feeling? What would you say to a part of yourself that is six, ten, eighteen years old? What would they want to do?
What can you do with or for your feelings that is kind but also boundaried?
Your Big Feelings Are Not Bad
When folks tell each other to self-regulate in a scolding way, they are setting a boundary in a not-gentle way. It’s not that ungentle boundaries are bad, but they don’t necessarily help people self regulate. (it’s not your job to help people self-regulate unless you are their parent and they are child and then hi, it is your job. That includes your inner child.)
But to be clear: self regulation is not repression of the feelings. It is greeting feelings with radical compassion and supporting them by allowing them to exist and directing them appropriately.
It does not mean you should isolate yourself because you are having big, bad feelings. It may mean that certain folks need some space because they feel overwhelmed.
Self-regulation is usually a solo activity, but it can be really hard to do this when you experience other people being overwhelmed by your feelings, and YOU are overwhelmed by your feelings, and the strong impression you get is that NOBODY likes you or your great big feelings.
In this case, come to therapy. It’s our job to like you, and hang with your big feelings, and often the experience of co-regulation can support you in learning how to be with and identify your own feelings more skillfully.
Come to therapy. Call me. Call somebody on here who looks good or here. Go to therapy.
About the Author
Maria Turner-Carney has a BA in media studies and queer identity development from Fairhaven College. She received her Master’s in Social Work with a focus in Mental Health from the University of Washington. Her work background includes LGBTQ mental health; work in the anti-violence movement; dating and domestic violence; harm-reduction; mental health case management; chronic mental illness; intergenerational relationships; and managing chronic health conditions. Her practice is located in Seattle, WA, which you can book here. You can follow her on Instagram here. This article was originally posted in Maria’s blog.
